This is rather pathetic, on many levels. Are you middle aged man who happens to be a virgin? This Chicago Sun-Times columnist recently heard from one such person with some very groan-worthy advice: Middle-age virgins: Look overseas

"I suggest looking to the Philippines. I've met and am now engaged to a wonderful Filipino woman who holds a set of values that mirrors my own.

I recently returned from a trip there to meet the woman who is now my fiance, and I can tell you that there are many women in that country who are not looking for sexual pleasure.

"Many of the women I met when I was there can't understand why American people are so fixated with having sex. There's no divorce over there, and the biggest reason for that is because they value positive personal qualities like honesty, loyalty and sincerity in one's actions over how outgoing and charming a person is. They realize that most American men are too egocentric to make a lifelong partner.

"The problem for women in the Philippines is that the culture is so male-dominated that it's difficult for them to find a man who will treat them as an equal. I know that there are many Filipino women who would like very much to meet a nice American man and take care of him. Some of my fiance's friends are very wonderful women who are also very lonely.

"So I suggest that men look to other countries to find a special someone. After spending many years believing that the old cliche, 'There's someone out there for everyone,' was just a myth, I can finally say that the saying is definitely true.

Ah, I see. The simple answer to your problems is to find yourself a mail-order bride! This article was published a couple of weeks ago, just before Valentine's Day. I am frightened to think about how many lonely dudes might have read it and immediately booked a flight to the Philippines...