Another hilarious piece of fake news from The Onion... Hate-filled racists are not happy with the rapid rise of mixed race births. Their biggest problems? So much ethnic mixing, not enough racial slurs! They're having trouble keeping up: Racial Slur Development Not Keeping Pace With Mixed-Race Births, Nation's Bigots Report.

According to statistics provided by the coalition, a rise in the birthrate of mixed-race Americans has left millions of confused racists with absolutely nothing prejudiced to say when confronted by a person of indeterminate or complex background. What frightens the coalition most is data suggesting that by 2015, ignorant bigots everywhere could be powerless when it comes to reducing mixed-raced individuals to profoundly uninformed cultural stereotypes.

In response, a number of prominent bigots have proposed steps for developing new slurs and counteracting what many in the racist community believe to be the greatest obstacle to the advancement of racially motivated vitriol.

"It all starts with education," ARBC strategist Michael McNeil said. "If you are at a bar drinking boilermakers in a desperate attempt to quell your rage and self-hatred and an Armenian- Brazilian man walks in, you have to be able to swiftly formulate the most vile and thoughtless way to demean him as a human being. Yell out an outdated or inaccurate slur in a situation like that, and you just wind up looking ignorant."

"The mind is an incredibly powerful thing," McNeil continued. "But it must be fed new and better ways to hate, or it will fail to grow."

Ah, makes you nostalgic for the good ol' days, when you were sure who was who and what was what, and a racist knew exactly what to call someone they hated just for the color of their skin. Good to see they're being proactive about it. Goes to show, you can't keep a good racist down!